GIVING birth in Aberdeenshire in the late 1970s, my mother was expected to deliver her babies in silence. Labouring for hours without pain relief, even a whimper was met with a strict telling-off, though many of the midwives had never given birth themselves.

What is at stake here? And why do we still need mothers to be superhuman? In Unmaking Mary, ideals of feminine virtue come under scrutiny. Director of the think tank Theos and mother of two small children, Chine McDonald here blends theology, sociology, feminism, and memoir as she reflects on the twin vocations of Christianity and motherhood. Both are invitations to relationship, vulnerability, and transformation, and both come with expectations that are daunting, to say the least.

Bringing candour to matters such as breastfeeding (and not breastfeeding), rage, vomit, and the terror of death, McDonald puts in the foreground the unseemly realities of motherhood. What is asked of women who have children is hard enough. It is made harder, she argues, by ignorance of what to expect and pressure to perform the role of the perfect mother.

For Christians, in particular, there is the ambivalent figure of Mary. The idea that God has a human mother is an inspiration to all believers and a vindication of maternity in a man’s world. It is also used — in the Church and out of it — to reinforce an impossible standard of womanhood.

Offering criticism without rancour, and passion without preachiness, McDonald explores the clashes between ideals and lived experience. Conservative Christian communities are, she admits, part of the difficulty — but only part. Women of all backgrounds can be found using social media to curate an image of a perfect life, a habit that harms women’s self-esteem as much as any complementarian pastor. Never exculpating her or her own tradition, “How could we serve mothers better?” is the question driving every chapter.

The more theological moments are some of the best. Likening the pressure on mothers to the Protestant work ethic, McDonald calls for less anxious striving and more “resting in God’s profound grace”. This is the true Christian counter-culture, and it can’t be voiced too often. Also moving is her reading of the Black Madonna as an icon for all mothers who do not fit the stereotype of perfection. Her warmth and identification here do lead to rash phrasing, however. It may be characteristic of liberation theologians to claim that “[t]he alabaster-skinned mother who has it all together has no need for salvation,” but it isn’t true. Everyone needs salvation — the Virgin Mary included.

It is at these moments that the argument might have been sharpened by just a shade more theology. The doctrine of Mary’s immaculate conception can certainly be remote and off-putting, as McDonald notes. Why not add that the grace that Mary receives at conception is not unique to her? That grace is the same grace as all Christians receive in baptism. It is mariolatry and myth-making, along with the florid style of 19th-century papal pronouncements, that deny us our real common ground with the God-bearer.

But this book is a manifesto, not a treatise. It works less to break new ground than to refocus our attention on an issue that still dogs our churches and cultures. The two-dimensional Madonna is a passive object of projection. Selfless, sexless, and serene, it has surely had its day.

Instead, McDonald wants the marginalised Mary of the Magnificat to be heard calling out for justice and speaking up for ardent discipleship. Could any instruction be more invigorating — for men and women alike — than Mary’s words at the wedding in Cana: “Do whatever [Christ] tells you”?

This book adds to the voices of resistance against the sexist and unreasonable standards imposed on mothers — and that mothers impose on themselves. It is time for Christians to prove they can be part of the solution and not of the problem.
 

The Revd Dr Melanie Marshall is Assistant Priest of St Mary Magdalen’s, Oxford, a former college chaplain, and a mother of two.

Unmaking Mary: Shattering the myth of perfect motherhood
Chine McDonald
Hodder & Stoughton £18.99
(978-1-3998-1463-8)
Church Times Bookshop £15.99